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Are people on Substack paying me for the writing, or for me to have life experiences worth writing about? I have always written in the same way hens lay eggs. Just has to come out somehow. Living is the costly bit.

This was posted! ❤️

So you mean it’s OK to be a bit messy as an introvert-empath during a genocide? Now you tell me! 🙄

I can now see how my parents were spiritually abused, how I was, and now it’s happened to my children too. We endlessly seek answers in mind and body to the message we are not worthy, and try to gain control over what just has to flow. Degrees are drugs for the mind, drugs are degrees for the body, and the divinity reward we were after was inside of us all the time. Stopping the cycles takes patient work, and I am only just getting to grips with the problem. Everyone understands sexual or physical abuse. Spiritual abuse is normalised and even sold as desirable. We are such a collective mess, but this upheaval forces clarity and improvement.

At least Satanists seem to reliably point away from goodness and truth, so you can navigate by what they oppose.

Initial awakening: looking "down" at all the lies and evil.
Eventual awakening: looking "up" at the true and holy.
From anomalies to reconciliation.

When the tale of this war is told, it will be about how the misfits were the fittest; how they came to fail to fit in, and why that made them fit to fight, while those who fit into falsehood were unfit.

I read mathematics at university, which left little room for indoctrination, but also did nothing to develop skills of dissent. I am sure there are plenty of clever mathematicians out there who are cowards. Not many people are willing to be persecuted for topology or geometry, although I am sure it happens. The academy selects for those who will further the academy, whether it is a righteous place or not.

If things go to plan tomorrow then this is my last night in my London "posh squat". Time to move on in life and reform and repair the things that no longer serve me. A theme I am hearing from multiple directions right now is that the last few years have worn a lot of people down, and we need to retreat to small circles of people who share our values and vibe, and stay away from places and persons who suck us into worldly ways. London isn't good for me spiritually, so I am not hanging around here any longer, no matter how photogenic or exciting it might be.

Was: "Fight war, then sort out my sh*t"
Now: "Fight war by sorting out my sh*t"

We have been fighting on many fronts...
- To keep up the pretence of participation in worldly stuff like doing taxes, licenses, registrations
- Reconfiguring our lives so that we don't put ourselves in the path of religious authorities pushing enemy messages, and build our own churches with truer faith
- Confront debt, addictions, profligacies and any other way we have tried to cope that isn't righteous
- Maintain an income in a world that wants you to compromise yourself in most positions and professions
- Navigate the complexity of friends and families who are brainwashed and act against their own interests and reject those who try to return them to sanity
- Stay healthy and well when we are being poisoned physically and mentally
- Spread the word of truth and stand for our convictions and principles when pushed to make a deal with the devil
- Watch those who took the death jab suffer while denying their own agency, yet not allow this to destroy us

No wonder we are exhaust

My older daughter was willing to hear about death and birth rate anomalies today without dismissing it as crazed ramblings of a conspiracy theorist. Can acknowledge something is off without mocking. Had sane questions about Q and Trump… small steps.

Today I “graduated” from the learning experience I was having with “quasi off-grid unofficial living” in inner London. Funnily enough it reminds me of my university college, with small rooms and shared facilities. “Squathouse” vs “Oxbridge” as social opposites, yet nearly identical in terms of moving life forward. I have done my stint of living among the serious misfits with accompanying wild lifestyles.

I won’t put what I was told in public, but the thoroughly tattooed and pierced person who took my unit over desperately needed a safe place to live while facing a serious medical condition. As a direct handover he got it at the same price I have paid for 4 years. I bequeathed all the furtniture and appliances to him.

I have learned a lot this last few weeks from crashing and recovering. Plenty to write about, although where to draw the line on personal and private matters is never easy. My worst nightmare is “ordinary life”. Have gone to vast effort to evade having one!

I get a little giggle watching some people accuse other people of being shills or infiltrators or turncoats. My own backstory of “algebra of telecoms network performance” is just too absurd, outlandish, and preposterous as a set-up for doing geopolitical disinformation and subversion. Why go to such lengths to establish a reputation in an obscure field — only to trash it? You can tell what’s real a lot of the time because it is way too silly for anyone to make it up.

An observation from the last few years… a lot of people claim to believe in a higher power, just as long as it stays nicely contained beneath the highest power of the TV news.

Biggest mistake I made in this war… thinking that I could defer addressing my own sh*t until the stress of the public awakening was done. The spiritual battle starts inside of you; trying to serve two masters eventually rips you up. Am a bit of “walking wounded” at the moment, lots of overdue personal change to face. Have to cut ties to all people and things that bind me to the dysfunctional worldly ways. I was waiting for the outer world to do the work for me, and it failed miserably. Now it is harder because the upheaval is near. Never too late to repent and seek a new start.

Perfect Post for 11:11! 😂🙌

Martin, I believe that was a deception the enemy of our souls used against many of us. He convinced us so subtly, his foremost way, I believe. We thought we would give this effort everything we had and then it would all be better and we could get back to our normal lives. However, we discovered that the evil was so vast and deep that it was going to take much more time and effort than we first thought. Now we have to try to pick up the pieces and learn how to fight this darkness AND become the best human that we can be. I believe Jesus is always there to help us in our recovery and in pushing forward. I am so glad that God brought you across our path here at AU.

I have to remind myself that the people still paying me on Substack while I take a break need me to be well more than they need me to urgently write. The multiplying traumas of this war have inflicted real damage on me, to which I have added plenty of self-inflicted wounds. I would prefer to be visibly productive, but the work right now is to sever unhealthy places, relationships, and habits. Takes all I have got, and still feel wobbly.

Whatever my wastes and woes, humanity has had a pretty reasonable deal out of me for 5 years. What I have had to do is very abnormal, and there is a point where you degrade rather than develop from being stressed and stretched. Have plenty to say when the time is right. Need to stabilise myself and my living conditions before turning the creative output back on.

My crazy + world crazy = too much crazy.

We know that physical and mental health are linked. But what I am (a bit late in life) finding is that both flow from spiritual health. This has beauty, gratitude, acceptance on the upside, and grace, mercy, forgiveness on the downside. The spirit of each behaviour needs understanding, and we have to stop making friends with our demons.

If I can describe the problem well, it is due to being pretty fallen, so don’t mistake wisdom for virtue. Indeed, the more fallen you are, the more the sky paradoxically fills the view. My sky is enormous. I still struggle with undesirable spirits, including wanting death when everything feels too much.

But rather than flail myself for the behaviour that follows, I am slowly acquiring the skill of focusing on the holy spirit, which is the only path to peace and reconciliation. It seems mental health professionals will do everything mind and body, and nothing in spirit, trapping you as a permanent customer.

If any part of your life is shameful and secret, then you cannot be whole. This is the price of sin: our fracturing from a man into personas. My growth challenge is swapping regret for repentance. The smallest step down the path of accountability relieves you of guilt, although you have to keep going.

You can probably imagine the challenges of the urban gay scene as a place with endless opportunities for bad company and misadventure. I was just striking out in a saner direction when Covid hit and all benevolent venues shut. We all poison ourselves in some way, even if just sugar. Lockdowns were a gift to sickness.

It took one person, a dear friend and confidante, to show me true love… for me to be receptive to taking a higher path. Until you experience the higher vibe, you go round and round the same hunt for fake peace or temporary oblivion. I can’t judge the jabbed for foolish choices, having my own. I can only help to light the route away from self-destruction.

A learning for me… large cities are artificial environments and largely enemy territory with unhealthy vibes and dangerous traps. I get spiritually sick in the city; I heal around nature. The urban buzz is an addictive drug that no longer serves me. The smaller towns and cities with medieval centres are OK. At this point the fight is for wellness of self rather than awakening of others.

Another small step taken today to cut ties to a low vibe way of living. Freedom isn’t absence of (corrupt) governing authority, but presence of only the (holy) highest one. Wasn’t much point in resisting masks and jabs just to self-destruct from wanting to escape the pain of just being.

The scamdemic has made me very sensitive to loved ones being taken away from me, physically or emotionally. The only way through this is to dump anything that drags you down, no matter how attached you may feel, or how long the habit has run.

Not easy. No choice. Now live.

I think I caughts HEOTS last week. Had Enough Of This Sh*t. Taking medication. Seems to alleviate root cause.

I am finding it very strange going around to take pretty photos in a genocide.

I decided it didn't matter what quality of photos I made, as long as I went out and created something to get myself out of the funky dumps.

There are all these people who have "normal" jobs and are busy with their "normal" lives... and I feel like I am in a totally different universe. "It might be a good idea to avoid believing lies, poisoning yourself, and sterilising your kids" has been pretty much my whole world for quite a while. I sure can relate to "those who know cannot sleep".

Maybe it's not strictly necessary to be miserable while a quarter of humanity commits suicide.