15 August, 06:20
I have a kind of "information war injury", which seems a bit pathetic, but affects me a lot. When I sit down to do any kind of focus task, like reading a long article, or sorting out photos, or reviewing a paper, I might get a few seconds or paragraphs in, then I just freeze up. There's no more focus to give, and my mind doesn't want to take more in. There isn't reconciliation of all the stuff already inside, and more just provokes anxiety and rejection. Even conversations with people leave me exhausted, so I mostly avoid them. Then I get anxious about not really doing much "real" work, and being endlessly in a precarious place, which makes it worse. But I am genuinely finding it hard to work. Burnout from overdoing it for so many years has just left me empty. I might manage an hour or two, then need to lie down for a nap. You can only do 12-14 hours a day at screens for so long, until it does you actual damage. But it's all invisible and psychological, so doesn't seem so real.
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