Tbh. I’ve never felt more alone, silenced, confused than I have these past 2 yrs.

I agree with those who say the past two years have been "an emotional roller coaster." The world has been on a constant downward spiral and we're now witnessing levels of insanity we never imagined possible. But i know most of what I see is part of the movie we're watching and don't let it bother me. But that doesn't mean it's easy to ignore. Filling my gas tank puts me in a bad mood for hours. And seeing Biden's latest screwup makes me angry again about the 2020 stolen election, which is why I avoid news shows. I immediately dismiss most stories, like the trees surrounding Mar A Lago being cut down so the world can watch Trump being arrested. But then my girlfriend will freak out about the Ukraine war with Russia because she has family there. When I remind her it's fake news it always leads to an argument.
In the space of a few hours I can go from thinking about killing myself because I'm sick of this shit show, to calculating how wealthy I'll be when XRP moons. Crazy times.

Don’t ever, ever go to thoughts about killing yourself. We are all in this shit show together, and we need you.

Old habits die hard.
But seriously, i grew up the middle child in a terribly dysfunctional family. My parents were unhappy people who argued constantly and even had fist fights infront of us. Since i was the older boy i took the blame for everything and took serious bearing starting at age four. I was the only okid who got beatings and my brother and sister apparently enjoyed watching because they told my father every time i did something that would make him take his belt off. The beatings were accompanied by them screaming what a horrible kid i was who would never amount to anything.
Not surprisingly, Im not in touch with my siblings. They're very emotionally cold people but did well in their careers. I had lifelong problems asserting myself and never succeeded at anything. I actually went through with it about 8 years ago, taking pills and tying a bag over my head. But i took it off for a last cigarette and fell asleep. I still get depressed but there's too much to look forward t