19 January, 08:44
If any part of your life is shameful and secret, then you cannot be whole. This is the price of sin: our fracturing from a man into personas. My growth challenge is swapping regret for repentance. The smallest step down the path of accountability relieves you of guilt, although you have to keep going.
You can probably imagine the challenges of the urban gay scene as a place with endless opportunities for bad company and misadventure. I was just striking out in a saner direction when Covid hit and all benevolent venues shut. We all poison ourselves in some way, even if just sugar. Lockdowns were a gift to sickness.
It took one person, a dear friend and confidante, to show me true love… for me to be receptive to taking a higher path. Until you experience the higher vibe, you go round and round the same hunt for fake peace or temporary oblivion. I can’t judge the jabbed for foolish choices, having my own. I can only help to light the route away from self-destruction.
You can probably imagine the challenges of the urban gay scene as a place with endless opportunities for bad company and misadventure. I was just striking out in a saner direction when Covid hit and all benevolent venues shut. We all poison ourselves in some way, even if just sugar. Lockdowns were a gift to sickness.
It took one person, a dear friend and confidante, to show me true love… for me to be receptive to taking a higher path. Until you experience the higher vibe, you go round and round the same hunt for fake peace or temporary oblivion. I can’t judge the jabbed for foolish choices, having my own. I can only help to light the route away from self-destruction.
Notice: Undefined index: tg1tga_access in /home/admin/www/anonup.com/themes/default/apps/timeline/post.phtml on line 396
march 7 2020, ~1 week before all the covid shit hit, i sat in my car at a red light, staring at a concrete wall ahead of me. figured when that light turned green i could probably hit 40-45 before i made contact - and obviously i’d be smart about it - no seatbelt, maybe lean my chin into the steering wheel a little.
light turned green and i just sat there. broke down in tears and made a phone call for someone to come pick me up.
a series of really bad decisions, wholly my own, led me there, and im glad i went through that.
only now as i look back do i realize what i was fighting was so much bigger than myself. i don’t think there’s any coincidence in the timing - i knew a lot before 2020, and much of why i felt how i did was for lack of hope for anything positive - how could there be? Q came to me about 3 weeks later - i can still remember spending the next two nights without sleeping, reading through drops.
i drive through that traffic light every day.
fuck that wall.
light turned green and i just sat there. broke down in tears and made a phone call for someone to come pick me up.
a series of really bad decisions, wholly my own, led me there, and im glad i went through that.
only now as i look back do i realize what i was fighting was so much bigger than myself. i don’t think there’s any coincidence in the timing - i knew a lot before 2020, and much of why i felt how i did was for lack of hope for anything positive - how could there be? Q came to me about 3 weeks later - i can still remember spending the next two nights without sleeping, reading through drops.
i drive through that traffic light every day.
fuck that wall.
09:02 PM - Jan 19, 2023
In response Martin Geddes to his Publication
Only people mentioned by 17Commentary in this post can reply
In response 17Commentary 17C to his Publication
Thank you for being here with us. We need you with us for this to work and God made sure he got you here. 🙏❣️🙏
Notice: Undefined index: tg1tga_access in /home/admin/www/anonup.com/themes/default/apps/timeline/post.phtml on line 396
Dianne Star
@DiannePauline
20 January, 02:43
In response 17Commentary 17C to his Publication
Grateful you are here! I've experienced the loss of a few close to me in that way. Even after 27 years, in some quiet moments I feel the sadness for what could of been for them. We are all vital. The importance of us here, now is not a coincidence. It is part of God, the one True Creator's vision and an for us.
Notice: Undefined index: tg1tga_access in /home/admin/www/anonup.com/themes/default/apps/timeline/post.phtml on line 396
20 January, 02:27
In response 17Commentary 17C to his Publication
Thanks for sharing this. Books are being written. TBIYTC🌈🌟
Notice: Undefined index: tg1tga_access in /home/admin/www/anonup.com/themes/default/apps/timeline/post.phtml on line 396
20 January, 02:25
In response 17Commentary 17C to his Publication
fuck that wall! glad you're here
Notice: Undefined index: tg1tga_access in /home/admin/www/anonup.com/themes/default/apps/timeline/post.phtml on line 396
Only followers of this user (HopeAlways888) can see their posts
Brett Tescher
@bktastic__
19 January, 10:28
In response 17Commentary 17C to his Publication
Gosh, thank you for sharing: both you and Martin. Flick that wall the bird for me next time you drive by… 😁
Big hug, brother.
Means more than you know.
Big hug, brother.
Means more than you know.
Notice: Undefined index: tg1tga_access in /home/admin/www/anonup.com/themes/default/apps/timeline/post.phtml on line 396
Kevin Smith
@Muffinmanu812
19 January, 09:43
In response 17Commentary 17C to his Publication
A guy I worked with was depressed, didn’t talk to another human being about it, fought with his old lady, got in his car, no seatbelt straight into a tree, 70 mph.He always bought safe cars . This was a Volvo. Paralyzed from the chest down. Not worth it. I wrote a book because when I sat down to write the urge to throw an extension cord over garage rafter was blunted for a few hours.You are not alone. Talk to each other. Reason things out.
Notice: Undefined index: tg1tga_access in /home/admin/www/anonup.com/themes/default/apps/timeline/post.phtml on line 396
George Patton
@GeneralPatton2021
19 January, 09:29
In response 17Commentary 17C to his Publication
you're a Bad Ass
I walked out of prison Mar 11, 2020
prison to prison to prison
maze to maze to maze
still breathing (a gift from God)
still "standing"
tired and weary, yes, but smiles and laughter readily available
there's a saying in Narcotics Anonymous
go to hell, turn, there is NA
another
religion is for those who believe in Heaven
spirituality is for those who've been to/through hell
not saying any of this is definitive
after all, to define is to minimize, make small
For me, Life has been an accumulation of pieces of hell, trying that "suit" on for size, and then a letting go, dispensing with and/or remival of those pieces of hell, none of which belonged in the first place
maybe like I felt naked, grabbed hellish pieces for warmth, only to realize the comfort wasn't worth it
to be naked is to be vulnerable
and to be vulnerable is allowing God to "clothe" me
it's all kinda trippy, from an Observer place
btw I call the wall abutment
been "the
I walked out of prison Mar 11, 2020
prison to prison to prison
maze to maze to maze
still breathing (a gift from God)
still "standing"
tired and weary, yes, but smiles and laughter readily available
there's a saying in Narcotics Anonymous
go to hell, turn, there is NA
another
religion is for those who believe in Heaven
spirituality is for those who've been to/through hell
not saying any of this is definitive
after all, to define is to minimize, make small
For me, Life has been an accumulation of pieces of hell, trying that "suit" on for size, and then a letting go, dispensing with and/or remival of those pieces of hell, none of which belonged in the first place
maybe like I felt naked, grabbed hellish pieces for warmth, only to realize the comfort wasn't worth it
to be naked is to be vulnerable
and to be vulnerable is allowing God to "clothe" me
it's all kinda trippy, from an Observer place
btw I call the wall abutment
been "the
Notice: Undefined index: tg1tga_access in /home/admin/www/anonup.com/themes/default/apps/timeline/post.phtml on line 396
sharon pasvant
@memyselfi
19 January, 09:28
In response 17Commentary 17C to his Publication
glad you are here.
Notice: Undefined index: tg1tga_access in /home/admin/www/anonup.com/themes/default/apps/timeline/post.phtml on line 396
Peaceful Warrior
@peacefulwarrior
19 January, 09:12
In response 17Commentary 17C to his Publication
Even though I don't think I've ever met you in this lifetime(as we are anon), I just felt such a surge of love and compassion for you. I'm so very glad you didn't end things, we have work to do, God wants each one of us to be here. I look forward to a big hug at Anon Island.🙏
Notice: Undefined index: tg1tga_access in /home/admin/www/anonup.com/themes/default/apps/timeline/post.phtml on line 396
17Commentary 17C
@17Commentary
19 January, 09:02
In response 17Commentary 17C to his Publication
haven’t had a good cry about that until just now.
Notice: Undefined index: tg1tga_access in /home/admin/www/anonup.com/themes/default/apps/timeline/post.phtml on line 396
Waiting4Home Anon
@Waiting4Home
19 January, 09:23
In response 17Commentary 17C to his Publication
You are not alone.......
............... I cried with you 17,,,,,,,,
Appears the truth is setting a lot of us freer - than we've ever been.
............ and I wouldn't trade that go back to 2017 for anything........ even though there has been great loss.
It's not what's behind - it's what is ahead....... and as Martin said and Jesus - who else we can be a light for........ on their day at the wall.
............... I cried with you 17,,,,,,,,
Appears the truth is setting a lot of us freer - than we've ever been.
............ and I wouldn't trade that go back to 2017 for anything........ even though there has been great loss.
It's not what's behind - it's what is ahead....... and as Martin said and Jesus - who else we can be a light for........ on their day at the wall.
Notice: Undefined index: tg1tga_access in /home/admin/www/anonup.com/themes/default/apps/timeline/post.phtml on line 396
