Any kind of interaction with any authority that has maimed or stolen is feeling very heavy and draining. The old system keeps making its bureaucratic demands, but I find myself having a trauma freeze response to trivial things. It’s getting like shellshock but without any shrapnel.

I am supposed to write and make beauty in order to justify getting paid by those who subscribed, but I am not in that place right now. Over and over I fall, for years, and each time there is a fight inside to stand up again. Maybe that’s all I can document, so it isn’t hidden away.

Part of me says my problems are all of my own making. Another part excuses my failings because of the persecutory context, and my weariness of carrying a very public and personal burden of dissent. The spiritual war is to keep the desire to live to see another day stronger than the one to self-destruct.

Last week was really bad. I guess all that matters is avoiding more damage so I can fight on another day.

Martin, you have a whole tribe of your own kind collectively praying for and lifting you up, so just rest. Take some time and just be. I am one of your paid subscribers and I am sure I speak for a lot of us, that your well being is our main concern. You have helped us through our own dark, tough times and brightened our days with your eloquent words and beautiful photography and now we extend that grace to you.
Once when I was going through a time of spiritual growth and tired of making the same old mistakes and saw myself as a ‘Christian failure’, a wise person told me, “the very fact that you are admitting that you are struggling, is an indication that that you are growing spiritually, otherwise you would be happy in the ‘muck’ and there would be no internal struggle.” Be kind to yourself. You are so loved, by so many here.
And God’s got you…and his love is fierce 🙏❤️🙏