This week is just difficult, spent last Christmas in hospital bedside, watching my dad die slowly until he passed Boxing day morning.

Got crappy news yesterday that seems to have dashed all hopes of escaping this crackhead community in which we live in fear daily and are threatened in our own home, my kids will suffer this trauma for life and its all my fault for not having the means to escape.

All I dream of is property with no neighbours, peace and quiet to grow food to share with others who need it, to show others via free workshops how to grow food, preserve food, grow and make natural medicines.

My mental health has never been this bad, recent experience of being threatened with a knife by junkie neighbour has stirred up my ptsd that I have had mostly under control for the last 8 years (from an abusive relationship I was in since I was 15).

Why does it all come down to money?!

I feel like a complete failure and have lost all hope.

I'm very discouraged too. There is no 'extra' between my monthly income and living expenses: none. When I was younger, I could afford to hope for improvement 'one day' eventually but that time has passed and I am old now. I am tired of being a rat running on a wheel. What happens when I can't keep up the pace anymore? That day quickly approaches. Will I join the hundreds in the homeless camp down the road?