Easy turkey cooking instructions:

Buy 17 lbs turkey.
Cook turkey at 369 degrees breast side down 4.5 hours covered.
Add half stick of butter to bottom of pan (placed on grate)
Tesla Trump Turkey!
No need to baste.
You want crispy skin?
Take it off while separating the turkey and fry it on the stove.
Put it back on the serving platter (steal some yourself 1st of course).
Turkey bacon!
You're welcome.
Delish.
Most people just want the meat (which will be very juicy).
Let cool (a bit) and half carve, half pulled turkey.
Pink Himalayan salt, and pepper at the end.
Easy peasy.

That's my foundation.
Tweek it as you will with herbs and whatnot.

Beware: If it's a success, you will be forced to cook the turkey
EVERY SINGLE YEAR.
So proceed with caution :)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!