I never thought I would feel such deep grief and I just dont know how to heal, how do you even heal from loosing your dad when he was such an important part of your life?

If I had to live the previous year and a half up until December, on an infinite loop with all the pandemic bullshit, just to have him in my life, I would do it in a heart beat.

It took me 21 years to get over my grief of losing my dad. I felt he was my protection from anything. He was never sick. (car accident) I had to make me hate him to move on. Hate him for dying, hate him not being there for me. I felt no one understood my pain. I would come home from work & cry.
You are not alone. There are many of us out here going thru the same thing or did. My dad died in 1981. Ask God to heal your broken heart. Bless you Friend. You will come thru 1 day at a time.