How did people joining the intelligence services ever get inducted into all this occult knowledge? How do they keep a semblance of sanity when it turns out the backbone of it isn't even classified, just normies ignore it all? How do intelligence insiders manage ordinary human failure of their own, as nobody is morally pristine? How do you socialise at work when operating in a compartmentalised environment? How do you trust the institution you work for when you are a cog in the machine?

I know that there's a lot of "fiction" that is pseudo-documentary that answers all these matters and more. Am just emotionally exhausted from so many years of being out in public and the endless stress of waiting for resolution. Can't read books, watch long videos, sit still for talks. Too fried form excessive information warfare. I know in my heart I am not lazy or cowardly; the "trauma freezes" are real psychological injuries that affect me and my ability to engage. AU is pastoral support.

wow, yeah, i feel you man.
it's like we have situational ADHD now

Carolyn, "situational ADHD" is a very apropos description of where we (most) find ourselves!
Sometimes, it just helps to put "a thing" into words!